To be honest, with 'The Donald' ploughing through all those Brit 'stuffed shirts' this week, who needs jokes to cheer them up? Anyway, I will start with a few random thoughts from 'oldies':
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says, "That was lovely, nurse, but please ... ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Fourex Gold and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale; only $25 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back. We can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $50 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Gold and it's half the price!"
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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
That's it - and, God, I'm good to you!
They never get old!
Posted by: Timbo | Monday, 03 June 2019 at 10:56
Patient/nurse communication is vital at certain times.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 03 June 2019 at 12:43