Just to start you off with a snigger, I heard on the radio that a tree planted at the White House by 'mini-Macron' to celebrate the 'yuuuuuge' friendship between France and America, has just died! Rumours that 'The Donald' slipped out at night and pissed on it are fiercely denied!
Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If
there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to
go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets
back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out
there! Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you
want one, you can get one from him"
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in it's mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is
a fraud. I want my money back!"?
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he
sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a
stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you
there are more f...... ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
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Patrick had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Pat's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Pat stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Pat went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Pat's troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
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The Pope and Jeremy Corbyn are on the same stage in Liverpool Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Corbyn and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Corbyn replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Amen!
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A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.
That's your lot - what a fine selection!
That is a very expressive dog! Creative too.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 10 June 2019 at 12:39