I do realise how important it is these days to be politically correct at all times in your place of work so these new definitions will assist you even if nobody understands what you are saying!
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Serial-Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odour: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challanged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Non-specifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
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As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument over breakfast one morning.
As things got heated, the doctor shouted at his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and then he stormed out of the room and went to work.
A couple of hours later he was feeling guilty about what he’d said so he decided to call his wife to apologize.
There was a long delay before she finally answered. “What took you so long to answer?” asked the doctor.
“I was in bed,” replied his wife.
“What were you doing in bed at this time?” he asked.
“Getting a second opinion.”
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What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
That's it, so get back to work!
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