Your Monday Funnies: 15.7.19

As we celebrate the anniversary of really seeing 'the man on the moon', here's a space joke:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Mind you, I understand that at a fairly critical stage in Apollo 11, a switch failed and the astronauts used a Biro to get the thing working again!  Right, back to the usual filth!

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MODERN VERSION OF WHERE BABIES COME FROM:

SON: "Dad, where did I come from?"

DAD: "Okay son ... I guess we had to have this conversation one day."

"Your mum and I met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with her and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then your mum did some downloads from dads memory stick, and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload."

"Nine months later, the damn virus appeared."

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Oh boy, do I like this one!

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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What’s in a name ?

A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children."

To the first mother, he said: "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.

He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky."

He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."

 

That's it, y'all have a good day now!

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Good start!

[JK]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her return to the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you in so early? What’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee,” she said.

“Where?” Graham asked.

“Between the first and the second hole,” she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet were too far apart.”

[Penseivat]

Very good, though there was a factual error in the first joke which, I'm afraid, completely destroyed it.
The Soviets didn't use pencils in space. This is an urban myth which many, including those in the Soviet space programme, have dined out on for years. It is believed to have been made to show Soviet logic superiority over the USA.
The thought of a tiny, broken off, piece of graphite floating around a tiny capsule, with it's electronics and safety equipment, concerned even the Russians, plus there would have been the possibility of a sleeping cosmonaut inhaling it and choking.
They actually did what the Soviets usually did - they obtained several pens by various means, and reverse engineered them. Still, they did save a shedload of roubles.