A bit pushed for time today as I am off 'up country' to meet an old - and, oh dear, I do mean old! - pal for lunch. Happily, and courtesy of my Chief Archivist ('JK', of course, who else?) who found this in a post of mine from 7 years ago, I can open with a letter written by Spike Milligan in reply to someone called Stephen who complained about his war memoirs:
Dear Stephen,
Questions, questions, questions. If you are disappointed in my book 'MONTY', so am I. I must be more disappointed than you because I spent a year collecting material for it, and it was a choice of having it made into a suit or a book.
There are lots of one liners in the book, but then when the German Army are throwing bloody great lumps of hot iron at you, one only has time for one liners. In fact, the book should really consist of the following:
"Oh fuck"
"Look out"
"Christ here's another"
"Where did that fall?"
"My lorry's on fire"
"Oh Christ, the cook is dead"
You realise a book just consisting of those would just be the end, so my one liners are extensions of these brevities.
Then you are worried because as yet I have not mentioned my meeting with Secombe and later Sellers. Well by the end of the Monty book I had as yet not met either Secombe or Sellers. I met Secombe in Italy, which will be in vol 4, and I am arranging to meet Peter Sellers on page 78 of vol 5 in London. I'm sorry I can't put back the clock to meet Secombe in 1941, to alleviate your disappointment — hope springs anew with the information I have given you.
Another thing that bothers you is "cowardice in the face of the enemy". Well, the point is I suffered from cowardice in the face of the enemy throughout the war — in the face of the enemy, also in the legs, the elbows, and the wrists; in fact, after two years in the front line a mortar bomb exploded by my head (or was it my head exploded by a mortar bomb), and it so frightened me, I put on a tremendous act of stammering, stuttering, and shivering. This mixed with cries of "mother" and a free flow of dysentery enabled me to be taken out of the line and down-graded to B2. But for that brilliant performance, this letter would be coming to you from a grave in Italy.
Any more questions from you and our friendship is at an end.
Sincerely,
Spike Milligan
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
THE FIRST BLONDE MALE JOKE.
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed, looks at me kind of sexy, and says, "Now, go to town, cowboy ... "
"So here I am."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Apparently, they have dimwits in Australia, too - HOONOO?
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
An Arkansus couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel in Hot Springs for their honeymoon.
The new groom went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This is a very special 'casion... our weddin’ night... and we need your BEST room - with a strong bed!"
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"
The redneck fellow thought about it for awhile and then replied, "No,
I guess not ... I'll just hold on to her ears 'til' she gets used to it!"
Right, I'm off - should be back in time for tea!
Blonde male joke. What we see here is a "failure to communicate"!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 22 July 2019 at 11:57
David, how was your inspection of the 'up country'?
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 22 July 2019 at 22:14