The things I do for you lot to cheer you up on a Monday morning!
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"
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And this is pure poetry of the highest order!
It was crisis day in the parliament
The house was hushed and still.
A member rose with a question
"Are we doomed to go downhill?"
"I am confident of an upturn",
The PM made reply.
"If workers pay is held at bay,
We'll all be home and dry."
"How true, how true", cried the workers.
"Let's end this wicked strike.
We don't want a rise in wages,
They can stick it where they like."
"Thank God, Thank God", sobbed the bosses.
"There's faith on the factory floor.
And now we've got this extra lot
We'll give it to the poor."
They filled their pockets with money
And ran with eager feet
Pressing their surplus profits
On the people in the street.
They moved among the dole queues
And boarded every bus
With streaming eyes and heartfelt cries
"You need it more than us".
Soon all the people prospered
And the devil became a saint
Now the sober unions
Had exercised restraint.
The cities were filled with singing
And the sound of laughter spread
As hand took hand in the golden land and pigs flew overhead.
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A women came into the clubhouse at the golf course half an hour after teeing off. The club professional asked her why she was back so soon.
She complained about all the mosquitoes putting her off her game.
"Where did they bite you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole".
"How many times have I told you about your stance?"
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Side-splitters, weren't they? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that . . .
Good start!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 23 September 2019 at 12:20
Hmmmmm!
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 23 September 2019 at 23:14