Bright and early - for a change!
A blond has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds lighter."
The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds.
"That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?"
The blond nods, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor.
"No, silly, from the skipping!"
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Life in the Australian Army
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
That's it, I'm exhausted and may have to take to my bed again!
"if I take two"...a humble brag if I ever saw one!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 02 September 2019 at 12:16