A fine selection, thanks to my Aussie contributors - again!
An angelic little boy or a cheeky little sod - you choose:
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station. As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office.
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Colleen, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Pat," said Herself.
The next day, Colleen ran into one of Pat's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Colleen."
She said, "Aye, Himself told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last ten years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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Snake for sale :
I'm selling my pet Python on eBay.
A bloke just rang me up and asked if it was big.
I said, "It's massive."
He said, "How many feet?"
I said "None! It's a snake, you moron!!”
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Yes, this has a slightly familiar feel to it but I can't be arsed to check back!
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire
that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy
now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
That's your lot for this week - God, I'm good to you!
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