The first one is, sort of, for the fishermen amongst you!

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?"

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, he said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, he demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow...."

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

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get
a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Pete. Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

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The Girl Across the Street ...

She's single ... she lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window!

I watched as she got home from work this evening! I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little ... you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"

"No, I'm free!" I quickly replied.

"Great!" she said. "Can you look after my dog ?"

Being a senior citizen is really for the birds !!

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A simplified urine test for men:

Go outside and pee in the garden....
If ants gather:- diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimers

 

That's it but if you try the urine test, wait until dark, the neighbours might not understand!

 

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

And to think, when I have been crabbing, I just use a string, hook, chunk of meat and a dip net. I should think bigger?

[Timbotoo]

Some corkers there, and a couple I hadn’t heard before!