Perhaps not the most suitable date for a series of jokes in the worst possible taste but from my knowledge of servicemen, they would enjoy them!
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals!' he said to himself.
Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him .... he looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer .... and then ..... he tripped and fell.
Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him,
reaching towards him with its left paw … and raising the right paw to strike ...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped … the bear froze ..... the forest was silent .... a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky ...
"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident … do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light ....
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a
Christian now … but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
... a pause ...
"Very well," said the voice ...
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed … And the bear dropped his right arm .... brought both paws together .... bowed his head & spoke ...
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main Highway. At
nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches The car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the Wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and Gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
The trooper asks, "What are you doing?"
The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, At night in a Lover's Lane and nothing intimate is happening!
The trooper asks, "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."
The trooper asks, "And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
......................................................….
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
…………………………………………………...
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
......................................................….
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
That's it and waddya mean, "Thank God for that!"
She'll be 18... life is all about timing. Kind of like fishing.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 11 November 2019 at 12:44
Indeed, Whiters, as per my favourite saying - as in sex and drumming, timing is everything!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 11 November 2019 at 13:25