Sorry for the slight delay, 'Nurse Ratchet' required my presence in order to pump me full of something or other but, alas (or hoorah!), the 'gunk' had not been delivered so I was let off - until Thursday! Anyway, here are your 'Funnies':
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
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This next one is especially for our Arkansas reporter, 'JK', and it is not exactly a joke, just exceedingly witty:
[CORRECTION: This was not written by 'Winnie' but by a man called Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr - no, really, check it out on Wiki! Thanks to Malcolm Pollack for spotting the error.]
Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky. Here's how he answered:
"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre of my being."
"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation... then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it..!!!"
"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle!!!"
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WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE.....
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... ......you don't."
That's your lot, have a good day!
During a flight, a former Para Corporal going on vacation was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The former Para pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the ex Corporal responded, “Ma’am, that’s a good looking baby … and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Para sadly shook his head, and in true military fashion exclaimed, “And to think all these years, I’ve been chewing bubblegum.”
***
The coppers stop David around 2 a.m. and ask where he is going at this time of night.
David: “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, and staying out late.”
Cop: “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
David: “My wife.”
***
Three mice are in a bar bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “When I see mouse bait, I like to put a pinch between my cheek and gum and get a good high for the day”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.
Second mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I take the cheese, catch the bar in my teeth and do twenty reps with the bar”, and then slams his bottle on the bar.
The third mouse drinks his drink, puts the glass on the counter and says “I don’t have time for this shit, I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
***
On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: “1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
***
What do you call an Pakistani who owns both a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.
Posted by: JK | Monday, 13 January 2020 at 15:03
Thank you, JK, some rea l 'corkers' there!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 13 January 2020 at 21:06
Well done JK.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 13 January 2020 at 21:47
Testing
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 14 January 2020 at 10:02
Yes.
Posted by: Andra | Tuesday, 14 January 2020 at 22:21
I don't get it.
Posted by: JK | Wednesday, 15 January 2020 at 03:15
Regarding the funeral, you left off the second punch line.
After the Jewish man asks to borrow the dog, he's told to go to the back of the line.
Posted by: Barry S. | Wednesday, 15 January 2020 at 13:29