Sorry for the delay which is due entirely to my idleness! Plus, today I am breaking a Golden Rule which states that one should never get involved in a private fight. However, this was sent to me by an Australian despite the fact that most of the Kiwi jokes are at the expense of Aussies!
1) How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a woman's job.
2) What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
One less drunk at the funeral
3) A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
4) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?
5) What is the difference between yoghurt and Australia?
Yoghurt has some culture.
6) An Australian man and his wife are sitting in the living room. Bruce says: "Just so you know, Shirl, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
Shirl gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.
7) What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
8) How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the M&Ms.
9) Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While going through the locker one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie suddenly appears. The genie tells them that he only grants one wish. The lamp finder blurts out: "Turn the entire ocean into Fosters!" The genie claps his hands and immediately the sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances. The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
And here's one for the Aussies:
10) Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."
Don'cha lurve other people's squabbles?
It'a a good thing there is a lot of water between the two!
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 03 February 2020 at 12:12
Nah Whitewall. We're family. We'll squabble and rubbish each other until someone from outside is silly enough to step in.
Posted by: AussieD | Tuesday, 04 February 2020 at 07:24
The biggest Australian joke was that so called comedienne, Pamela Stephenson becoming a sex therapist in the USA. Those yanks are so gullible.
Posted by: Penseivat | Tuesday, 04 February 2020 at 21:22
Pamela Stephenson was born in New Zealand.
Posted by: Andra | Tuesday, 04 February 2020 at 21:44