DUFF & NONSENSE!

This book is an absolute and essential 'MUST READ'!

I refer to "Staring at God" by Simon Heffer.  This morning I was lucky enough to catch an interview with the 'Hefferlump', as I fondly call him, and there is no doubt that if you want to read the 'accident report' on the national 'car crash' that shattered Britain then this is a 'must read'!  I have long admired the 'Hefferlump' and in the TV interview he demonstrated, yet again, his acute intelligence and learning.  Should you doubt me - you wouldn't dare! - then read the review by another superb historian, Andrew Roberts in The Telegraph.  

"This war has caught us at our worst,” wrote Margot Asquith, the prime minister’s wife, in her diary on October 26 1914, “and now that shrapnel is killing an entire generation, we are left staring at God.” Simon Heffer, for this comprehensive history of Britain during the First World War, has chosen his title wisely. In the exactly five years between the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and the Versailles Treaty, the British people were tested as never before, and what they saw of the Almighty – or the absence of Him – changed the country fundamentally and forever.

Staring at God is the first serious and really wide-ranging history of the Home Front during the Great War for decades. Scholarly, objective and extremely well-written, it describes how, in Heffer’s words, “the government and people of a great naval and mercantile power, shaped by the tenets of laissez-faire, broke with traditions of their culture, liberties, doctrines and customs, and adapted to total war”.

As far as I can tell, the 'Hefferlump' takes no prisoners which is entirely right, fitting and proper given the utter uselessness of most of our political and military (non)leadership.  Roberts again:

David Lloyd George, popularly known at the time as “The Man Who Won the War”, is here presented as “the man who very nearly lost it”. Heffer accuses him of “breathtaking dishonesty” and quotes with approbation Clementine Churchill’s description of him to her husband Winston as “the direct descendant of Judas Iscariot”. Lloyd George’s inability to control the generals, and principally Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig’s insistence on costly frontal assaults such as the Somme and Passchendaele offensives, is heavily criticised.

I still haven't finished Hitler's biography and anyway I am sick of it, so I'm off downstairs to find my Kindle and order up Simon Heffer's book.

ADDITIONAL:   Oh dear, the first casualty of war history, to be precise the one just published by the 'Hefferlump', is, alas, Lord Grey, the British Foreign Secretary who hitherto has been the subject of some (mild) hero worship from me!  Dammit, I know war is hell but reading about it can be pretty damned hellish, too!

 

 

 

Your Monday (medical) Funnies: 30.3.20

At this doom-laden time I thought some medical 'funnies' might be appropriate:

As a musician, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my banjo and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

………………………………………….

A man is in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very, very carefully ... are-my-test-results-back?!"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

The doctor asked "What happened to you?"

"Well I was playing golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cow's fanny.  I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours', I don't remember much after that ..."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WARNING: This will make you groan!

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

 

Right, that's it, I think you have all suffered enough!

 

 

 

The Sunday Rumble 29.1.20

Life's an itch!   And no, that is not a mis-spelling!  I haven't, as yet, caught that impertinent bug so I have nothing serious to complain about but even so, being a grouchy, old 'geezer', complaining is my default mode!  It is the increasing list of minor irritations that are getting under my skin.  For example, today 'they' buggered about with the clocks which has thrown me into total confusion!  Not, mind you, that my life is exactly run to a tight time schedule!

 

Frankly, I'm delighted not to be in charge:   For a start, it leaves me free to 'grump 'n' grouch' which, as you may have n0ticed, is my default mode.  Secondly, I am uneasily aware that I would not be able to take decisions with a constant influx of changing advice based on changing information.  So good luck with all that, Don and Boris, just do your best!

 

In case you're worried about me:   And I heard that!  Down 'ere, in 'zunny Zummerzet' I am assured by 'Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph' that I live in one of the lowest infection rates in the country, only 31 confirmed cases in a population of 5.5 million.  That, of course, is only right, fitting and proper!

 

But is it all 'blx', anyway?   According to Peter Hitchens it is!  Read his article and judge for yourselves!

 

Even by British standards the weather is bonkers!   For the first two months of the year it did nothing but rain, rain, rain and then rain some more!  In recent days we have 'enjoyed' some brilliant sunshine but our smiles froze on our faces as we had to put up with non-stop freezing winds straight off the arctic circle.  Dammit, enough is enough!

 

This sums up the European, er, 'Union:   From the Daily Telegraph:

When Italy invoked the EU’s formal disaster procedure with desperate calls for protective gear and ventilators, no country responded. Germany and France instead imposed export bans. The EU’s single market did not exist when push came to shove.

 

Vomit-inducing, why do I read it?   I refer to the biography of the late and utterly useless Adolph Hitler which I purchased a few weeks ago.  I take occasional dips into it and each time it leaves me grinding my teeth in fury and disgust.  Not, mind you, entirely at his maniacal stupidity but also that of his Generals and political advisors who, without doubt, were the biggest collection of 'toadies', cowards and dimwits the world has ever seen.  Pass the sick-bag!

 

 

No more rumbles 

 

 

The biggest casualty of the virus attack will be the European (non)Union

So, not all bad then!  And not at all surprising except to the idealistic twerps who fell for that nonsense that the EU was now a new nation state in which one for all and all for one ruled supreme.  Try telling, or selling, that to the Italians who have had numerous European doors slammed in their faces with even medical supplies stopped at the frontier!  Alas, for some reason I cannot copy and paste the summary at Zero Hedge but I urge you to click on the link and read it.  Some of you will be shocked, some of you will be upset but here, in dear old 'Blighty' where a majority voted sensibly to leave the EU, we will simply enjoy a snigger!  What's the German/French for "Suckers"?

 

 

 

From my in-house Jock comedian:

From my resident Jock comedian with translation attached!

Translates as: Wash your hands like you have just peeled chillies before you have a wank.

Crikey, that made my eyes water!

 

 

 

Watch the 'Yerdie-durbles'!

There is always something intrinsically eccentric about the 'Yerdie-durbles', a.k.a.: the Swedes.  For a start, there is their incomprehensible language with which one puts up if only because their girlies are delicious and their schnapps is pretty good, too!  

I am also admiring - albeit from a distance! - their eccentric approach to this damned, impertinent virus.  Unlike the rest of us who have submitted without a murmur to draconian 'rules 'n' regs' imposed by our governments of which 'Big Brother' would be proud, the 'Yerdie-durbles' simply said the equivalent of 'Bollocks to the Bishop' and continued blithely on their way.

Does anybody know the Swedish for "Good luck with that one!"?

 

 

 

Some good advice on how to work at home

As you would expect from the world's greatest weekly magazine, The Spectator, some excellent advice on working from home from some of the world's truly greats:

One advantage of working from home is that you won’t have to put up with irritating colleagues. Although you might start to find that you need them, as grist to your creative mill. In this case follow the lead of Henrik Ibsen, who had a portrait of August Strindberg facing his desk. ‘I cannot write a line,’ said Ibsen, ‘without that madman standing and staring down at me with his mad eyes.’

Inspiration can come in many forms. Hilary Mantel counters writer’s block by taking a shower. Albert Einstein solved tricky problems by playing the violin as he contemplated them. Or you could take an afternoon nap. Winston Churchill favoured them, claiming they allowed him to pack 36 hours’ work into only 24. Ronald Reagan was another fan. However the President left orders to be woken in case of an emergency — ‘even if I’m in a cabinet meeting’.

Personally, I favour 'Winnie's' advice although it never added a nano-second to my working day!

 

 

The biggest victim of coronavirus is the (dis)United States of Europe!

I am grateful, not for the first time, to the highly intelligent Ambrose Evans-Pritchard  (A E-P) of The Daily Telegraph and his remarkable ability to explain complex issues with enough clarity that even an ignoramus like me can understand them.  Today he spells out the economic, financial and political catastrophe that is already shaking the edifice of the European (dis)Union.  

In essence, the enormous gap between the northern EU states and the southern is widening into a chasm.  The former, by and large, run their economies on sensible principles.  The latter, by and large, run theirs on the basis of corruption and utter stupidity!  This has been evident for years but relatively calm economic seas has allowed the rotting hulk to stay afloat.  But not now!

Germany is committing €1 trillion to preserve its industrial and economic core. It is guaranteeing €550bn of corporate debt through the KfW state bank. It is tearing up state aid rules to allow €100bn of equity injections. It is providing €50bn for small business and freelancers. The package amounts to 30pc of GDP.

Italy cannot risk such steps. Direct fiscal measures are a skinny €25bn. This may soon increase but the burden rests on very weak shoulders.  The country has issued guarantees of up to €350bn for banks and loans to avert a credit crunch. This further entwines the "sovereign/bank doom loop" from 2011 - only ever in remission, waiting for the next crisis. 

Well, "the next crisis" has arrived and the question is, will Germany, which has become exceedingly wealthy in the market which they 'fixed' from the beginning, step up to the marker and help the southern states in their agony.  "Nein" is the word I am searching for because I don't know the German for, "I wouldn't piss on those Italians/Spaniards/Greeks if they caught fire!"

'A E-P' refers to Germany's dilemna as "a Hamilton moment" based on the decision taken by Alexander Hamilton in the early days of American independence to allow rich Virginia to join a fiscal union with the other impoverished states to assist with the huge debt that hung over all of them.  Is 'Mutti' Merkel up to that sort strategic thinking?  'We shall see what we shall see' but don't hold your breath!

 

 

 

On leadership

Perhaps one of the minute 'good things' about this 'virus-thingie' is that it provides something of a test for our, er, glorious leaders.  So far, my impression is that Boris is doing OK, particularly as the various measures he has been forced to adopt are, in a normal world, absolute anathema to his liberal outlook on life.  The fact that he hesitated before slamming down all those edicts is something in his favour.  Lest you doubt me - you wouldn't dare! - just imagine the orgasms that would have rippled through the ranks of Corbyn's Marxists if they had been given such a chance, and it would take them decades before they gradually and reluctantly cut back on their own powers.

I am not qualified to comment on how 'The Donald' is doing 'over there' but the signs are that he is in the 'Boris spirit' and he can't wait to lift all those bloody edicts!  It says everything you need to know that the Dems attempted to use this emergency to force through some of their favourite bossy and entirely politically motivated schemes, until at the last moment they were shamed into dropping them. 

Just imagine if 'HillBilly' had been President!

 

 

In which I have become a pansy!

Comparatively speaking, I had a busy day yesterday and so I apologise for my gross dereliction of duty in failing to print my 'Monday Funnies'.  Perhaps I will be able to rustle up a few later today.  Anyway, yesterday the Gods smiled on me!  I am, as I may have told y'all, not much of a gardener which is just as well given the micro-dot of a garden that I possess.  Even so, I can't help looking at it fairly constantly, there not being anything much else to look at, and so my mind begins to turn over.  Anyway, last week I decided that this year I would drown the garden in pansies!  Well, they're 'cheap as chips as chips', they're exceedingly colourful and they do seem to go on and on. 

So, in a very rare burst of energy I shuffled off to the local garden centre and cleared their shelves of pansies!  Needless to say, that, er, 'burst of energy' disappeared overnight but now I am faced with the task of planting several thousand hundred - oh alright, a few dozen pansies.  Of course, being an Englishman, I assumed that yesterday's balmy weather would disappear today and revert to the usual rain and cold wind which would give me a chance to recharge my energy batteries.  Need I say it?  Today is sunny, bright and singularly warm!  Sod it, no excuses!  Never mind, at least my (very!) frequent tea-breaks will give me chances to pop up here and add some items to this distinguished blog - and I heard that! 

 

 

Whither Europe?

Fascinating article at The Coffee House by Prof. John Keiger, a high-powered swot on French history and international studies.  In it, he spells out the colossal pressures now being exerted on the European (dis)Union)!  Not the least of these will be the dispute over debt mutualisation as many of the Med nations sink into an even deeper trough of indebtedness as they try desperately to deal with this 'plague'.  Naturally, they will look, and appeal to, wealthy Germany for mutual assistance in the spirit of EU harmony.

What is the German for "Good luck with that one"?  After all, it was the Germans who turned down requests from their beleaguered 'partners' (Who sniggered?) for supplies of medical face-masks and suchlike when this plague first kicked off!  As Prof. Keiger suggests, the blatant failure of the EU to live up to its ideals will provide an enormous boost to anti-EU parties throughout Europe.  The French, naturellement, believe that all European crises eventually lead to even closer unity.  We shall see what we shall see! 

 

 

At last, a blast of common-sense

Good old Peter Hitchens who has injected a cold blast of common sense into the hot-house of panic that has been inflated by politicians and newspapers and the self-important medical fraternity.  I will not attempt to paraphrase him, I will merely provide you with some quotes and urge you to read the whole thing:

And so here I am, asking bluntly – is the closedown of the country the right answer to the coronavirus? I’ll be accused of undermining the NHS and threatening public health and all kinds of other conformist rubbish. But I ask you to join me, because if we have this wrong we have a great deal to lose.

I don’t just address this plea to my readers. I think my fellow journalists should ask the same questions. I think MPs of all parties should ask them when they are urged tomorrow to pass into law a frightening series of restrictions on ancient liberties and vast increases in police and state powers.

Spot on!  I thought our 'free press' was ever eager to hold the feet of politicians to the fire to test their efforts to boss us all around.  Instead, this week they have acted like office boys rushing to do the bidding of ministers without ever questioning their suppositions.

Did you know that the Government and Opposition had originally agreed that there would not even be a vote on these measures? Even Vladimir Putin might hesitate before doing anything so blatant. If there is no serious rebellion against this plan in the Commons, then I think we can commemorate tomorrow, March 23, 2020, as the day Parliament died. Yet, as far as I can see, the population cares more about running out of lavatory paper. Praise must go to David Davis and Chris Bryant, two MPs who have bravely challenged this measure. [My emphasis]

Of course, there is no way that I, a man who once failed 'O' level maths, physics and chemistry, could mount a critical challenge to the, er, 'experts' on whom our politicians lean as they slam down a ton of 'rules 'n' regs' on us all and which they will be exceedingly reluctant to ever lift!

If you read anything today, read Hitchens!

 

The 'C' word is verboten!

No, no, not that 'C' word, I mean the medical one which I can never pronounce properly!  I am sick of hearing it and reading it and as far as I am concerned it is banished from these distinguished columns!  There are plenty of other topics to discuss like, er, well, you know … and … well ... whatever!

My main worry in these tricky times is the state of health of the most important woman in Britain - I refer, of course, to 'Her Maj'.  She is an absolute pillar supporting this kingdom and in these tricky times the thought of her death on top of all our other problems would be shattering.  So "here's a life unto your Majesty" and please, Ma'am, just keep on ruling!

Message to Mary and JK - for God's sake get a grip!

I wake up this morning to find a seemingly endless stream of 'I know not what' emanating from a dispute between JK and Mary.  I have just attempted to read it all but understanding was there none!  JK is giving his usual prolix style an even bigger burst of incomprehensiveness whilst Mary has gone off on a fishwife's rant including an accusation that I have censured her commentary - which I have not!

I don't mind if my commenters feel the need to 'go off on one', provided the language remains above the gutter!  Even so, it is all exceedingly boring and I would urge both JK and Mary to get over themselves!

We're all 'Corbynistas' now!

My God, I've just been nationalised!  Mind you, I didn't feel a thing - yet!  Well, perhaps it was always a bit of hoax, the idea that we were free, independent agents in a liberal, open society.  Now, however, there is no doubt that we live under close, exceedingly close, governmental supervision.  I am not happy but, on the other hand, I'm not dead, either!  So, should I be grateful? Weeeeell, yes, a bit but I need to know as soon as possible how long this state tyranny is going to last.  I suspect that like other examples, during WWII say, the heavy hand of the State is incredibly quick to grip but agonisingly slow to lift!

So far, 'down 'ere in zunny Zummerzet', nothing much has changed as far as I personally am concerned.  Yes, The Tippling Philosopher has been closed so I will miss my weekly pint next Wednesday.  The nearest Sainsburys Supermarket has a few empty shelves but the essentials remain.  I have been 'ordered' by Boris to stay in doors but as I rarely go out much these days, I can only shrug and mutter, "Am I bovvered?"

It's all utterly boring except, of course, if you catch the 'dreaded lurgi' at which point it can become exceedingly exciting, so I am informed!  Anyway, being British I will simply remember to keep a stiff upper lip, there being no other part of body, these days, which can even gain stiffness, let alone maintain it!

Where 'er ye be', look after yourselves, my friends!

 

 

 

Well, I think that's most of the world insulted!

Another contribution from a regular visitor to these distinguished columns!  Of course, it contains some gross calumnies against various pround nations but, hey, that's humour for you!

Coronavirus
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, that level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross". The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard”. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”. 

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “Its not us”.

 

 

 

A dose of anti-gloom to make you smile

Courtesy of my usual Aussie comedienne, I can offer y'all this list of cartoon 'funnies' to make you smile or even, heavens to Betsy, chuckle!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The greatest problem we face

Yes, yes, this damned impertinent virus is a threat and a bloody nuisance but probably sooner rather than later it will be squidged by the efforts of the world's 'Brainiacs' who will invent a 'super-calorific' vaccine which will stop the little rotters in their tracks.  Then, the serious problems will ensue!  How do we rid ourselves of the dictatorial 'rules 'n' regs' and the strutting little 'Commissars' who enforce them which we have blithely volunteered to accept in this emergency?  I do hope that nobody seriously thinks that all the little 'pecksniffs' and 'penpushers' who have been handed power not seen since the days of Clement Attlee will gladly hand them back and retreat back to oblivion without a fight.  It took decades before 'that woman' rose to power and wielded an axe to cut their massed ranks back down to size.

It will be a stern fight - have we the politicians to fight it?

 

 

Steady, the Buffs!

As the pandemic alarums ring out here, there and everywhere, here's a Shakespearean passage to set matters in context:

"By my troth, I care not; a man can die but once; we owe God a death. I’ll ne’er bear a base mind: an ’t be my destiny, so; an ’t be not, so. No man’s too good to serve’s prince; and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next."

There, that's cheered you all up, has it not?  Sorry, didn't quite catch that . . .

It's not all bad news!

For example, er, 'cruising' through my favourite 'news' sites this morning I am informed by Zero Hedge that the good ship Nourah of Riyadh, a $79 million yacht belonging to Prince Turki bin Mohammed bin Fahd Al Saud, has capsized whilst at anchor in a Greek port.  

                                                                                                                                         

Does anyone know the Arabic for, "Ohdearwhatapitynevermind"?  

Then Zero Hedge reports a story that proves the Germans really do have a sense of humour!  A presenter on a national German, er, 'satire' show claims that conanovirus is "A Good Thing" because it is 'offing' people in developed countries who cause global warming which, natürlich, began the whole thing!  Also, it is 'offing' all those geriatrics who are people-blocking the planet!  Talk about laugh, I nearly did!  Then that well-known comedienne, Frau Merkel, produced this side-splitter, "In Germany, we believe that border closings are not the answer to fight the spread of the Covid-19 epidemic."  Five days later Germany slammed shut its frontiers!

 

 

 

So, what is there to say . . . ?

'Sweet Fanny Adams' is the only answer I can come up with which is absolute torture for a self-important, opinionated, old bore like me!  Politics has withered on the vine and the only subject of what passes for news these days is that damned 'bugaboo' which dominates all the headlines.  Even so, there was one small headline in The Telegraph that caught my eye this morning.  They are running a daily total of infection and death stats in the UK.  Are you ready for a shock?  Then read this:

Total Infections in the UK:  1543

Total deaths in the UK:  55

Eh?  What?  Is that all?  But I was expecting to have to step over the bodies in the streets when I next ignore Boris's order for me not to leave my home because I'm 80 years of age!  (Oh yes, Boris, and are you going to do my shopping for me?  Thought not!)  I urge you all to read Gavin Mortimer's excellent piece at The Spectator today in which he revisits Samuel Pepys' plague diaries of 1655.  Now, that was a proper plague and a half!  Don't worry, you won't catch anything!

 

 

 

OI! AMERICA! That Will Shakespeare fella' is ours, not yours!

Well, of course, he belongs to everyone, or at least, to those who can be bothered to read him or better still take the risk of watching him performed!  Even so, James Shapiro, an American writer and Shakespearean scholar of great repute, has written another book on his 'hero', this time reminding Americans that in many ways 'old Will' is important to America;

Mark Twain devotes several chapters of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to mocking the sham pretentions of the antebellum South in the form of a pair of Arkansas swindlers claiming to be European aristocrats. Posing as the Shakespearean actors David Garrick and Edmund Kean, the duke and dauphin decide to put on a performance for local edification and their enrichment, to include not only the sword fight in Richard III and the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet, but also Hamlet’s soliloquy, with the duke promising he will “piece it out from memory”. The speech he gives is pieced out indeed: “To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin/That makes calamity of so long life;/For who would fardels bear, till Birnam Wood do come to Dunsinane/But that the fear of something after death/Murders the innocent sleep…” Twelve people attend the show, laughing heartily at the absurdity. “So the duke said these Arkansaw lunkheads couldn’t come up to Shakespeare,” Huck reports: “what they wanted was low comedy.” And the duke and dauphin provide it, offering next a silent naked farce.

I am an enormous admirer of James Shapiro and having read a couple of his earlier books on Shakespeare I can vouch that he knows where-of he writes!  Of course, the very first English settlers, being of Puritan stock, were rabidly anti-theatre so it took some time for 'Old Will's' works to be studied and performed 'over there' but once it happened there was no stopping!  Not the least of the encouragement his plays received was due to those damned "events, dear boy, events" which mirrored so many that occured in American history,

Please read Sarah Churchwell's excellent essay at The New Statesman - yes, I know, I know, but just don your 'HazMat' gear and you will be safe!

 

 

 

I'm dying - of boredom!

"How long, oh Lord, how long?" is this total tedium going to last?  I admit that there probably have been times when I have grumped about the (seemingly) endless torrent of news which cascades from the internet but now there is none!  Just endless reports about that bloody bugaboo which seems not to recognise when it is not wanted and refuses to go!  Where, oh where, is my daily diet of political 'news 'n' views' which, whilst I used to complain about it at the time, actually fills the pathetic void in my life?  if this goes on for much longer I may have to talk to the 'Memsahib'! 

I suppose we could all rant about our useless politicians failing to 'magic up' an instant cure but the fact is, they are, as ever, doing their stumble-bum best because, beneath their 'pomp and circumstance', they are just average 'peeps' like the rest of us.  They haven't a clue and nor do their 'brainiacs' who advise them.  We could try changing the subject, I suppose, but what the hell can we talk about?  There are no sports anymore.  There are no arts because the cinemas and theatres are closing down because no-one with more than two brain cells would wish to sit shoulder to shoulder with anyone else! And, dammit, dammit, that means I will lose my chance, courtesy of 'SoD', to see Stoppard's latest, and probably last, play in London.

Then, on top of everything else, I feel I must sit in front of this computer-thingie and compose something witty and wise for 'y'all'!  Waddya mean, I needn't have bothered?

 

 

"Don't panic, Capt. Mainwaring!"

'Thus spake' the ineffable 'Cpl Jones' always as a prelude to him taking off in a welter of panic!  Happily - so far! - there appears to be little sign of panic amongst my fellow subjects despite the floods of grim warnings rising upwards above our ankles.  'If the bugs don't get'cha then the market crash will!' seems to be the favourite song of the moment.  Even so, as I look about me, I see no signs of panic - yet! - and I hope and believe that the phlegmatic will win over the panic!

The only appropriate tune to whistle as we, so to speak, 'dodge the bullets' is, of course, "Que sera sera", what will be, will be!  Just do the sensible things and follow the advice of the medical experts - not because they are always right but the chances are that they know better than anyone else!  So far, it seems to me, Boris has hit exactly the right note - truthful but calm and sensible.

Well done, Boris, it is not usually your lip that is renowned for its stiffness but keep it up!

 

 

Bin Salman could end up being binned if he's not careful!

Mohammed Bin Salman, the dictator of Saudi Arabia - I use the European title to ensure accuracy! - has managed to enrage both 'Vlad the Impaler' and 'The Donald' by an oil policy which has resulted in oil tankers round the world rocking in turbulence and shale oil being hardly worth the trouble of extraction.  Not content with that he is also teetering on the edge of war with Iran plus numerous other states in and around his borders.  To be quite so detested by quite so many leaders takes a special talent.  I don't know what the Arabic for 'arrogance' is but judging by his very public slaughter of some wretched journalist, MbS has barrels of it to spare.

Even so, given that his antics have reduced the price of oil to 'Spring Sale' levels who am I to complain?  'Vlad the Impaler' is hurting badly, in fact, nearly as badly as those mad Mullahs in Tehran, so I will not complain about that either!  Another delicious irony is that 'Vlad' does not wish to join 'MbS' in cutting the supply of oil because that would merely push the price up and create a strong demand for American shale oil!

Anyway, for a very much more perceptive and nuanced description of this international power game, please read this excellent article by John R. Bradley at The Spectator.

 

 

 

But ... but ... dammit, we used to run India, now India is running us!

See, Jezza, it takes a Tory to show you Marxists how to really splurge the nation's 'dosh'!  By Jove, that Rishi Sunak 'wallah' knows how to 'splash the cash' judging by his first budget yesterday.  Is it a wise budget in the current 'circs'?  I haven't a clue.  Mind you, I rarely have a clue about anything but, as you may have noticed, that rarely stops me from voicing an opinion!

Mind you, he has a lovely smile, doesn't he?

My instant re-action to his 'Father Christmas^10' impersonation yesterday was to mutter 'blimey' (or something like that!) and to instruct the 'Memsahib' to fetch me a large scotch!  I have lived 80 years listening to greedy, parsimonius Chancellors of the Exchequers dribbling out halfpennies with one hand and grabbing my wallet with the other, so yesterday's mega-splurge took my breath away.  I agree that we live in truly extra-ordinary times and that maybe extra-ordinary measures are required, but even so . . . !

It was all a bit worrying but then a cheerful thought occurred.  If Chancellor Sunak is determined to break Mark Carney's Bank of England then, given my advanced age and the virulent spread of this conanvirus-thingie, then I could be dead in a month or two and and it will be SoD's problem as to how the 'dosh' is to be paid back!

"It's bein' so cheerful as keeps me so young!'

 

 

 

 

By Jove, Boris, did you feel that warning shot fly past?

Well, if you didn't then you are dimmer than a really dim thing!  I don't believe you are but even bright sparks like you can miss 'the bleedin' obvious!'  In yesterday's preliminary vote on allowing the Chinese company branch of government, Huawei into our national internet system, your working majority of 87 was slashed to 24.  The original mad idea of permitting China, a hostile state, access to our computer networks was totally lunatic and verging on traitorous, in fact so much so that I would set MI5 into a 'deep state' investigation into who, if anyone, in government circles was in receipt of massive 'bungs' from an outside source!

In the meantime, I hope and pray that even more Tory MPs 'man up' and prepare to vote against this act of lunacy!

 

 

And, no, I haven't dropped dead with Coronavirus - yet!

Sorry for my absence from these hallowed columns which was caused entirely by lack of energy and, to be frank, lack of anything serious, or even humorous, to say! (Waddya mean, no change there then!?)  Mind you, I can't say I feel particularly inspired today.  The daily news rolls in hour by hour like a never-ending chorus of 'Pte. Frazer's' lament, "We're doomed, I tell ye, we're doomed!" 

Mind you, it's not all bad news.  Not the least of the, er, 'advantages' of the Coronavirus 'plague' is that it has reduced the time available to various nut-job politicians to dream up, or worse, act on, their various flights of utter stupidity. I am encouraged that - so far! - Boris has resisted the chance to go 'full-on Churchillian' in response to this viral epidemic.   We should be grateful for the lull!

'Down 'ere in zunny Zummerzet', where, natch!, it is raining, life goes on although the 'Memsahib' informs me that some shelves in the local supermarket had been cleared.  Still, it's nice to know that the stupidity of the plebs remains at zero - some things never change!  As does the malicious stupidity of the Labour party who have expelled the entirely honourable Trevor Phillips from their Party.  Himself a black man, he has been a leading campaigner against racial discrimination for decades but, alas for him, never a supporter of the vitriolic and stupid Marxism that has now captured his Party.  As The Mail summarises the story:

Labour has suspended the former head of Britain's equality watchdog, Trevor Phillips, over accusations of Islamophobia.  Yet Phillips has fought racism all his life, while the party under Jeremy Corbyn has been accused of anti-Semitism and is being investigated by the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

File under: "You couldn't make it up!"

 

 

 

Zee view from Berlin: circa 1940

I have mentioned before that I am reading Volker Ullrich's biography of Adolph Hitler and it is fascinating, not least for the chance to view WWII from a totally opposite direction.  Through my increasingly long life I have read an enormous number of books on WWII but, in confirmation of the  truism that it is the victor who gets to write the history, they have all been from our side.  Of course, the best of them seek to explain what was going on 'over there' as 'we' fought our war but when the central character of the history is actually Adolph Hitler then the view changes.

It also makes me ponder on the choices Hitler and his Generals had before them at different times - not that the Generals had much say in the decisions!  Yes, Hitler was 'bonkers' but it is amazing how many of the German leadership, military as well as civilian, went along with his lunacy.  Needless to say, the more incredibly successful he was in the early stages, the more any criticism was silenced.  Also, it is fascinating to view Europe as seen from Berlin!  There was a sort of logic to Hitler's plans and the fact that he was just intelligent enough to take one bite at a time hid the fact that his over-all ambition to swallow the whole of Europe was quite mad.  That idea alone demonstrated his lunacy but as 'success' built on 'success', first with Czechoslovakia, then Poland, then France, then Scandinavia, virtually none of the so-called German 'intelligentsia, let alone the people, ever had the courage to shout "HALT!"

I will add one last thought which is the way this Germanic view of history emphasises how absolutely and totally critical it was to the entire continent, or even the world, for us Brits to stand firm and defiant.  Of course, all of us have long admired the courage of those Battle of Britain fighter pilots, and the numerous 'brainiacs' who invented and built the radar network but this book makes it startling clear how absolutely crucial they were.

 

 

 

Do pay attention, Donald, or this virus could bite you in the bum!

I have a strong suspicion that the President's knowledge of bacterial science is very near to my own which is, of course, miniscule - in fact tinier than one of those damned, pesky 'bugaboos' that bite you - or do something! - and then kill you!  I cannot think of a quicker way to nod off to sleep than attending a lecture on the subject!  Even so, Mr. President - and the same thing applies to you Boris! - it is absolutely crucial that you seek and follow advice from the best 'brainiacs' in the bacterial world.  

If the response to this threat is mishandled the results might be devastating, not just for the 'Peeps' who catch it but even more so for you, Mr. President, and the remainder of your single-term presidency!  Of course, 'as any fule do no', the likely cretins to replace you as President in November are even dimmer than you and likely to make an even bigger hash of it than you could manage but that will not deter the 'Peeps' from exacting their revenge!  Of course, for some time there will be no means of stopping the infection spread dead in its tracks but even so you must be seen to be active and intelligent in the way you lead your country in dealing with it.

Cut back on the 'honkin' 'n' hootin'' and the golf and demonstrate that you are applying a firm and reasoned grip!

 

 

The 'Dems' are as 'doolally' as their candidate for the Presidency

The Dems are dim, dumb and daft!  They have left themselves with two old codgers who probably have difficulty dressing themselves in the morning as their preferred candidates to run against 'The Donald'.  He, of course, has his eccentricities but at least he gives the appearance of possessing some vim and vigour - especially with that gorgeous wife on his arm!  Nobody knows where this world-wide viral attack will take us but it will certainly be into troubled waters.  Were I forced at a time of real danger to choose - which "thank the Lord I'm not, Sir!" - the man to lead my country it would not be those two, old geriatrics both of whom have exceedingly dodgy histories of political incompetence.  One is a  true Red communist and the other has used his influence to steer 'loadsa' money in the direction of his family!

Mind you, to be fair, the 'Dim Dems' deserve great credit for seeing off that mega-zillionaire, Bloomberg, who, in his colossal egotism, thought he could just step in and buy the Presidency - and I thought most Jews were intelligent!  Also, they had the exemplary good taste to show that lying liar, 'Fauxcahontas' Warren, the door and let her slink off back to her constituency with her 'war feathers' up her arse!  What can one say, except "God Bless America!"

 

 

 

My two desires of the day!

First, I want Priti Patel to have my babies!  Yes, yes, I know it may take some (considerable) time to supply the, er, 'ammo', so to speak, let alone 'straighten the barrel' but where there's a will(y) there's a way!  The re-action of sundry wet drips in the Civil Service to being issued with orders and then told in no uncertain terms to carry them out tells us all what a bunch of precious 'kiddie-winkies' there are in the higher reaches of our mostly useless bureaucracy.

 

My second desire of the day is to appoint a lawyer to sue my old Drill Sergeant!  Talk about bullying and insulting, you have never heard the like of what he said to me 'back in the day' on the parade square in Aldershot!  It was all very hurtful and demeaning and, honestly, I have never been the same since!

 

 

Something for you to read - God, I'm good to you!

I mentioned before that we have an exceedingly elderly - ie, older than me! - relative who lives in a Residential Home locally and today is her 90th Birthday.  Alas, she is also seriously unwell.  All of which means the the 'Memsahib' and I must go and visit her this morning.  However, to keep you all going, I herewith provide you with a link to my favourite commentator, Douglas Murray who, in this article, is in top form:

https://beta.spectator.co.uk/article/why-i-m-standing-by-my-old-enemy-selina-todd

Enjoy - back later.

There will be no deal with the EU

Why? Because of La France, of course!  As Matthew Lynn makes clear in the Telegraph today, there is absolutely no benefit for France if the EU signs a soft deal with the UK, indeed, such an outcome would be injurious to the French economy.

The conventional view will be that President Emmanuel Macron is fighting to protect the EU, preserve the single market and press forward with greater integration. The real answer is very different. It is France that has the most to lose from a more liberal, free-trading deregulated Britain.

Zut alors!  That cannot be permitted and, as seen from a French point of view, Macron's series of 'Non! Non! Non!' is understandable.

First, neither of us like to admit it but the UK and France have very similar economies. The populations are almost identical (66.9m France, 66.4m UK) and so is GDP per capita ($38,476 France, $39,720 Britain, says the World Bank), and with a similar balance between manufacturing and services (about 10pc for both countries, half the level of Germany).

They have higher unemployment and government spending than we do, and we have worse productivity. But there is not a lot to choose. The important point is this: aggressive deregulation, including lower taxes, and pro-business rule-making, will put our companies in a stronger position to compete with theirs – and they are already very close competitors.

Next, the battle for foreign investment has always been intense. Some investors will go to Eastern Europe for its lower costs or to Germany for its skills. But if you are looking for a mainstream, medium-cost European base then it is usually a choice between France and the UK. We get more than they do, but the gap isn’t huge.

All of that is self evident so I do hope that 'Boris & Co.' are not wasting too much time in trying to force a way past the French barricades and instead are concentrating on preparations for a 'No Deal!'  Also, I suspect but cannot yet put forward hard evidence that the EU is facing some extreme tensions which might end up as a car crash.  Quelle domage!

An additional 'MUST READ':

I have just read an excellent article by Douglass Carswell over at 'CAPX'.  It is essential reading if you want to understand the mass political suicide the EU 'apparat' is about to execute in negotiations with Britain.

 

 

Not all American judges are useless

The other day, in a fit of the grumps, I fired a salvo at the American judicial system so I want to make it clear that there are many honourable exceptions.  For example, Judge Royce C. Lamberth who is over-seeing the case between Judicial Watch and the State Department - or to be precise, 'HillBilly's role and actions when she was the boss during the Benghazi fiasco.  According to Zero Hedge, Judge Lamberth has ordered 'HillBilly' to provide sworn testimony in response to Judicial Watch's specific questions regarding her actions during the murderous action at the American consulate, in particular they are focusing on her use of a private and totally insecure e-mail system.

The net is tightening, let us all hope that soon it will be a noose!

 

 

 

No, I do not want to pay for Harry and Meghan's policemen

I have tried to avoid the Harry/Meghan nonsense because it concerns me neither a jot nor a tittle!  I fear Harry has made a 'yuuuuuuuge' blunder but - hey! - he is neither the first nor the last man to get it wrong in choosing a partner.  A pity because in many respects, including his military service in Afghanistan, he deserves better but, alas, in this decision he has displayed the sort of minimal intelligence that his late mother possessed when she married 'Charles the Chump'!  Mind you, she was exceedingly young when she made her mistake.

The only reason I raise the subject is that Harry's and Meghan's desire to be constantly protected by British policemen where-ever in the world they choose to visit will cost 'we the plebs' a small fortune and that is something up with which I will not put!  Sorry, Darlings, it was your choice to walk out so it is your purse that takes the strain - not mine!

 

 

The Civil Service looks and sounds both wet and dim

Sir Philip Rutman has resigned as chief pen-pusher at the Home Office and I say 'good riddance to bad rubbish'!  Of course, I say that with absolutely no knowledge whatsoever as to the sundry disputes between him and his minister, Priti Patel.  Even so, I do understand the basics which is that the minister rules and the civil servant obeys unless it is a matter of principle.  So far, there has been no indication of such a serious rift, merely an indication that the smug, useless servant has obstructed or even, possibly, disobeyed the instructions of his boss. 

The boss, of course, is under the instruction of us, 'the Peeps' because it was us that, in effect, voted for her based on what she and her Party had proffered at the election.  The opinions of her chief quill-pen sharpener is of some interest given his time and supposed expertise in the job but only up to a limit.  After that, the minister acts and the pen-pusher does what he is told.

I suspect, that the pompous and pathetically weak but weaselly Sir Phillip Rutnam has forgotten his place in the scheme of things.  He is the pen-pusher and Ms. Patel is the one who tells him what to write!  End of!  We, 'the Peeps' will, in due course, exact our judgment on her.

 

 

 

Don't celebrate - I'm back!

I felt the sigh of relief that swept the world when I went M.I.A yesterday but this morning I am back and ready to 'Bore for Britain'.  The problem yesterday was that an exceedingly elderly relative who is in a Residential  Home nearby was rushed off to hospital.  That caused 'SoD' to descend out of the blue and so most of yesterday was spent to-ing and fro-ing from hospital to her Home.  Happily, all's well that ends well - for the moment, anyway. So, apologies for my absence but barring accidents I should be around today.

Also, excellent news to read that 'JK' is back 'home on the ranch', well, perhaps not quite back in his own home which, deciphering his mysterious prose, appears to be in some serious disrepair.  Good luck, JK, and I'm sure I speak for all your e-pals here on D&N in wishing you a quick recovery.  Please keep us informed as and when you can!