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Tuesday, 17 March 2020

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Thanks Mr Duff, very interesting.
Are Monday Funnies a thing of the past now ?

The pay wall is a little higher than usual I think. Is the British press acting on behalf of their country or on another agenda? Some of ours are acting on behalf of China.

We are in the grip of pandemic insanity. The whole world has gone nuts over a not-very-deadly virus. We are destroying our economy and society over a virus that produces, in most people, a flu-like episode that passes. All of this is a bid to have government power increased and individual freedoms limited and destroyed. All of us cowering in fear! Praying for more government!

CS Lewis “On Living In An Atomic Age” seems apposite.

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&ved=2ahUKEwiT8KbTzqHoAhVlu3EKHT13CRcQFjACegQIARAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Famericandigest.org%2Fc-s-lewis-how-are-we-to-live-in-an-atomic-age%2F&usg=AOvVaw1_N0XzRAPYtp4gaRZ1cYWD

"The Monday Funnies"! Ah yes, I remember them well and given the dirge-like times we live in, I really must try and resurrect them!

The C.S.Lewis article was superb!

JK to the rescue then?

When I announced I was getting married my Dad advised me to get started in the right way–show her who’s boss the first night. 

After the service we retired to our room and I removed my pants and told her to try them on and she replied that they were too large. I said remember that and never try to wear the pants in the family.
 
She pulled off her panties and said try these on and I replied I can’t get in them and she replied No and you’re not going to until you change your attitude! I changed my attitude.

***

And for our pals AussieD & Diplomad:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: “This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.”

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn’t grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left…… It says: ‘Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on that Chick.”

***

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.

Carl replied, “That’s a unique signed and numbered limited edition and it costs $100!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

***

Bobby was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. “What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bobby asked.

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA.”

Bobby replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Ikea truck…”

***

Three old servicemen were waiting in the veteran’s affairs office to apply for a lump-sum bonus to which they had been entitled.
The V.A. officer came in and addressed them all.

“Gentlemen, the V.A. has decided that all bonuses will be given commensurate with physical measurements taken from the applicant. To be fair however, the applicant gets to decide the measurement used.”

The first man, a sailor stand up and says. “I want my measurement to be from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.”

The V.A. officer takes a tape measure and measures this distance, and announces, “Five foot eleven..your bonus will be five thousand, one hundred and ten dollars.”

The second man, a pilot in the USAF stands up and says, “I want to be measured from the tips of my outstretched arms.”

The V.A. officer measures this and announces, “Six feet, two inches..your bonus will be six thousand, two hundred dollars.”

The third man, an old Marine Gunny stands up and says “You can measure me from the tip of my cock to my balls.”

The V.A. man is confused and says “Are you sure that’s the measurement you want to use?”

“Damn straight” says the grizzled old Marine, and drops his drawers.

The V.A. officer kneels before him and places the end of the tape measure on the tip of the soldier’s penis and extends it downward until he reached where the man’s testicles would have been.

“Where are your balls?” the V.A. man asks.

“Vietnam” says the Marine.

That's it then David. We'll be expecting your return to regular duty this Monday next correct? What's that? Unacceptable, Nominal Corporal Duff. Try this Duff, say 'Aye aye Sir!' got it?

Many thanks JK. We needed that!

IR35 just got cancelled for a year ...

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cityam.com/ir35-reforms-to-be-delayed-for-a-year-due-to-coronavirus/amp/

One more year of freedom from wage slavery!

And my current contract is with a company that makes ibuprofen, antiseptic liquid, hand-wash, and condoms (what else is everyone gonna do sat at home for 3 months?)

I'm headed straight for the naughty cupboard - no hesitation, deviation, but a lot of repitition.

SoD

The Sinn Fein IRA Army Council have given the coronavirus 24 hrs to leave Ireland.

Before oblivion descends, did I see, no, I mean, blimey, wtf, is it really ... £330 billion? ...

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bloomberg.com/amp/news/articles/2020-03-17/u-k-to-make-330-billion-guaranteed-loans-available-for-virus-affected-business

That's one mother of a bazooka.

In WWII Blighty lost 450,000 and the national debt went to 200% by 1945.

CV19 is estimated to be in the 250,000 to 500,000 range of losses, so about the same.

But the national debt is 85% of GDP at £2 trillion now, so £330 bn takes it to roughly 100%.

So come on Rishi my son, let's go out with a bang, go on, blaze of glory boy, do-it,do-it,do-it! Blow the whole fking lot with another 7 more rounds in the bazooka rapid fire to 4.6 TN 200%! - and we'll take that miserable sodding virus with us!

SoD

Loz, is there a secret banker money holder living in Somerset releasing money?

Nah, he blew it all funding me through uni before student loans were invented.

By George and all the Saints, Staropramen was sent down from heaven on the wings of angels wasn't it?

SoD

Never let a good crisis go to waste.
Boris gets attention diverted from his Brexit farago.
Plus he gets to slip some dosh to his finance pals so that a dribble can percolate down to the troubled.
Napoleon gets to ban those pesky gilets jaunes. And look statesmanlike.
Ooh, mummy will be impressed.
Who will enforce his edicts in the no-go areas? Personne.
Trump? Well for a start all his geriatric Dem contenders will be self isolating.

Loz, yer poor auld faither never had a clue he was wasting his money on you. Hope you are looking efter yer maw and paw.

Loz, yer poor auld faither never had a clue he was wasting his money on you. Hope you are looking efter yer maw and paw.

Thanks JK. Love it.

Very observant those ancient Hebrews

Aye AussieD, first things first aye.

Economic liberals lament, a new age of collectivisation is dawning ...

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2020/03/17/laissez-faire-liberals-lament-new-age-collectivism-dawning/

Comrades, it's ok, no, really, really it is, I just won't, won't-won't-won't, say "I told you so".

SoD

I rang Sainsburys up this morning because I wanted to take advantage of their early opening for oldies. But they wouldn't pop over (only 8 miles), and help me get out of bed.

I'm shocked, BOE, shocked, I tell you, but perhaps it might have something to do with you specifying the blonde on Till #3! You RAF types are always so choosy!

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