Your Monday Funnies: 18.5.20

A fine collection 'Funnies' - no, really, would I lie to you? - to assist you through this pandemic, or whatever it is!

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

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Samuel passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rachel turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Samuel would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied her friend, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Rachel. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" her friend exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Rachel answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the rabbi. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.00. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Her friend computed quickly. $22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats.

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Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on a the righta."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I no lika her."

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And finally, a very Jewish one:

The year is 2024 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmancy; what on earth would I wear?

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

 

That's your lot for this week!

 

 

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

You out did yourself this morning!

[Loz]

That last one is a cracker, right up my strasse!

SoD

[Andra]

Excellent. Worth waiting for.

[David Duff]

Andra, I guess you sensed the Aussie accent that accompanied those 'funnies'!

[Andra]

DD, I noticed. That's why they're so good!