Yes, sorry, sorry, again but Monday was a Bank Holiday and so it felt like Sunday, er, and also, 'truth be told and shame the devil', I forgot!
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
"He's got a great tan" Mrs Doolan from next door mused.
"The holiday did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene" said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
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Three men are killed in a crash on Christmas Day, and all find themselves at St. Peter's gate....
St. Peter says to the men: "Seeing as it's Christmas time, you'll each need to show me something that symbolizes the spirit of the season, to get through the gate."
The first man fishes in his pocket and pulls out his lighter, and lights it, and says:"Candles symbolize Christmas!"
St. Peter says: "Very well, you can go in."
The second man thinks for a bit (since he can no longer use his lighter), and fishes in his pockets and pulls out his keys. He shakes them a bit and says: "They sound like Jingle Bells!"
St. Peter says: "Very well, you may enter."
The third man thinks even longer.. and finally fishes in his pocket and
pulls out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter, confused, says: "And what have you got there?"
The third man says: "They're Carol's!"
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Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo
clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table....
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
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Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?
Shot gun wedding?
Posted by: Whitewall | Tuesday, 26 May 2020 at 11:38