DUFF & NONSENSE!: Your Monday Funnies: 15.6.20

Your Monday Funnies: 15.6.20

Not that it's easy trying to raise a laugh in these tricky times but, happily, my little Aussie elves continue to dig away in the joke mine and come up with some nuggets of humour.

Image preview

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

And this one is especially for you older guys:

Urine test for senior men!
My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and because they're shutdown too.
Simply go outside and pee in the front yard.

If ant's gather: DIABETES
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS
If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The taxman cometh...!
At the end of the tax year, the ATO sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising
to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the
manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax
office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Three doctors are talking about death.

The first, a dentist, says, "When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble."

"Hey," adds the cardiologist, "that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart"

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, "I think scattering of the ashes is my option."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

---Irish Petrol Station

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

Posted by David & Son of Duff | Permalink

The comments to this entry are closed.