Your Monday Funnies - better late than never! 22.6.20

A particularly fine June selection for y'all!

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.  Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people!

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Solomon and his wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

Rachel, his wife, glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies Solomon, "that was my mistress."

Rachel says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies Solomon, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, Milan or Tokyo, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then Rachel notices a mutual friend, Abe, entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Abe?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies Solomon.

"Oh!!," says Rachel, "... Ours is prettier."

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THIS WILL SAVE MONEY ON DOCTOR VISITS!

His Urlogist’s office called and explained that his scheduled appointment would now be done over the Internet due to the corona virus.

One hour before the scheduled teleconference, he was instructed (via email) to administer his own urine test.  This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctors tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.

Simply go outside and pee in the front yard.

1) If ant's gather: Its DIABETES.

2) If you pee on your feet: Its PROSTATE

3) If it smells like a barbecue: Its CHOLESTEROL

4) If your wrist hurts when you shake it: Its OSTEOARTHRITIS

5) If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: Its ALZHEIMER'S.

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There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

That's your lot - everyone a winner, eh?

 

 

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

I was in a drive up line about an hour ago. So many young people were there to torment....

[missred]

A fine collection for smiles

[FrankH]

Re: Taking the Urine

Is posting the same joke two weeks running Alzheimer's as well? ;-)

[David Duff]

Alas, Frank, I rather think it is! Apologies to everyone but the old - and I do mean OLD! - short term memory is definitely on the blink these days.

However, in compensation, have you heard the one about urine tests . . . ?