Given current events, I really am not in the mood for 'Funnies' but duty calls:
An Irish farmer named Pat had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Pat.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Pat responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Pat said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Pats answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Pat thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now whot da fock would you say?'
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What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.
You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.
The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line. (Oh do stop groaning!)
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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play day.
'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mum won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend.
'WELL' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her DRIVER'S LICENCE'. It's like our report cards, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really' says the mother......Why?
'It's all on your drivers licence and you got an 'F' in sex.
There, that's cheered you all up, hasn't it? Sorry, didn't quite catch that . . .
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