Well, better late than never - and I heard that! Also, thanks to my indefatigable Aussie Elves who never cease work in the Joke Mines!
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly ...
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies' he responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
This one from a Brit contributor:
The Clyde Tunnels have been closed and why the speed limit has been reduced:
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Clyde tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Coronavirus. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
“No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Counselling at its best…!
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.
An old homeless bloke, dirty and unshaven, who was wandering by stopped and said,
"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."
She didn't jump.
Counselling can work!!!
There you have it - better late than never!
Obviously crows have trouble with two syllable words.
Posted by: Whitewall | Wednesday, 03 June 2020 at 16:44
Obviously not a Lory Bird!
Posted by: missred | Wednesday, 03 June 2020 at 18:05